If you’ve ever been catfished, breadcrumbed, benched, and pocketed in your quest to find The One, meeting a potential partner who likes to lavish you with gifts and praises, send sweet texts or calls “just because,” and boldly declare you a soulmate to the world even if you’ve just known each other for weeks sounds like a keeper, right?
MakatiMed reminds us that being in a good relationship feels light yet secure, happy, trusting, and respectful.
Not so fast, warns Carmina Charmaine G. Bernardo, MD of top hospital in the Philippines, Makati Medical Center (MakatiMed). While they might be doing all the right moves to make you feel attractive, needed, and special, that too-good-to-be-true Prince or Princess Charming could actually be exhibiting signs of love bombing, a manipulative form of dating to gain the upper hand in a relationship.
“Love bombing involves showering a potential love interest with presents, romantic gestures, flattering words, and undivided attention—acts guaranteed to sweep you off your feet in the heady days of courtship,” says Dr. Bernardo. “The goal of the love bomber isn’t love per se, but to have control over you so that you develop an emotional attachment towards them.”
Whether they’re aware of it or not, a love bomber acts out of narcissism, stemming likely from past traumas. But it’s just a façade to what they’re really feeling. “As arrogant or entitled as they appear, love bombers are very insecure,” explains Dr. Bernardo. “They have a fear of being undesired.”
As such, people who have no regard for anybody’s feelings but their own will eventually behave in the most unloving ways. They may suddenly withdraw their affection so you blame yourself, or make you feel guilty when your “me time” doesn’t include them. Love bombers are also into gaslighting, twisting conversations in such a way that you question your sanity. The worst ones will resort to physical abuse, then beg for forgiveness and promise to change, only to repeat the cycle.
Is it love—or love bombing? How to tell a love bomber from someone who loves sincerely? Be observant. “Everybody goes all out at the ‘getting to know you’ stage of dating,” says Dr. Bernardo. “But I’d like to believe that you’ll eventually figure out the frogs from the princes. Listen to your gut. Being in a good relationship feels light yet secure, happy, trusting, and respectful.”
Whether you’re dating a potential love bomber or the real Mr. or Miss Right, it’s important not to lose yourself in any relationship. “That way, it will be easy to leave a toxic, abusive partner. Before you love someone else, you have to love yourself first and more,” points out Dr. Bernardo.
Spend time apart. In a fresh romance, couples act as if they’re joined at the hip. “As in love as you are, remember: You had a life before this relationship,” says Dr. Bernardo. “Don’t neglect your family and friends. Be present in lunches and dinners at home, catch up with the gang on weekends, and please, don’t hog conversations with stories about your new boyfriend or girlfriend. I’m sure everybody’s happy for you, but if that’s all you’re going to talk about, you’ll slowly turn people off.”
Pursue your passions. “Points to you for keeping an open mind and trying to make your partner’s hobbies your own. But maintain personal interests too,” advises Dr. Bernardo. “In a mall, for instance, agree to hang out in your respective domains: He at the sports shops and you in a bookstore. Then meet up for coffee and talk about what you did and discovered.”
Speak up. There’s a tendency to agree with everything your new partner says. Perhaps you think it’s smart or cute, or you’re afraid to offend them. A loving partner will allow you to express yourself freely. “If you need time alone, if you want to eat elsewhere, if you think things are going too fast, then stand your ground and speak up in a respectful manner,” says Dr. Bernardo. “Your thoughts and feelings are valid too, and if your partner values you, they’ll listen and hopefully yield.”
Have a life. “People like to credit their Significant Other for completing them, when in truth, it’s you who completes you,” underlines Dr. Bernardo. “When you accept and are at peace with yourself, thrive in a fulfilling career, enjoy the support of family and friends, and have personal goals to look forward to, a loving partner is icing on the cake.”
For more information, please contact MakatiMed On-Call at +632.88888 999, email mmc@makatimed.net.ph, or visit www.makatimed.net.ph. Follow @IamMakatiMed on Facebook and Twitter.
