Trust comedian Jerry Springer to come up with a spot-on description of a toddler in the Terrible Twos. “Having a 2-year-old is like having a blender,” he said, “without a lid.”
Indeed, the dreaded behavior—tantrums, kicking, hitting, blood-curdling screams, and all-out defiance towards Mom and Dad at the most inappropriate times and places (the mall, at church, in a restaurant)—can be frustrating even to the most experienced parent. Moreso for first-time mothers who may have only heard or read about the Terrible Twos but wouldn’t know what to do if it finally struck.
According to Bernadette C. Benitez, MD, pediatrician at top hospital in the Philippines Makati Medical Center (MakatiMed), the Terrible Twos is a normal developmental phase that occurs when a child is between 18 to 30 months.
“At this age, they’re walking, climbing, and speaking in two-to-three-word sentences,” says Dr. Benitez. “They’re also starting to understand emotions, test boundaries, assert their independence, and realize that what they want may not necessarily agree with others. Most importantly, their nervous system is still highly immature, which makes it difficult for them to manage and regulate their big emotions.”
Not getting their way coupled with not being able to express themselves makes them upset, which results in a serious meltdown. So, what’s a first-time mom to do?
“First of all, take a deep breath and remind yourself that no one’s at fault,” notes the MakatiMed doctor. “As a parent, you did nothing wrong. And as annoying and sometimes embarrassing as it is, a tantrum means your toddler’s just behaving developmentally appropriate for his or her age. The goal is to calm your kid down. To do that, you must be calm yourself.”
How you handle an outburst depends on what caused it and where you are, reminds Dr. Benitez.
If they freak out in a public place, take your toddler out to a quiet spot so you don’t disturb others. Go for a walk so they can simmer. Get down to your toddler’s eye level and speak to them in a gentle yet firm tone. “Asking reassuring questions like ‘What’s bothering you?’ ‘How can I help?’ as well as applying deep pressure touch such as rubbing their back, holding their hand, and letting them sit on your lap can help settle their nervous system and make them feel comfortable and safe,” says Dr. Benitez.
If they have a meltdown after you say no, the pediatrician suggests ignoring the tantrum. “By calmly ignoring the tantrum, you teach the child that their outburst is not an effective way to get what they want. This process helps the child learn to self-regulate and find better ways to express their feelings,” explains Dr. Benitez. “Stay firm with your decision not to give in, and show them you mean business.”
Now what if the kid keeps saying no? “Instead of asking yes or no questions, give them choices. ‘Would you rather do this or that?’ or ‘If you don’t do this, then this will happen.’ You can also ask an older toddler what they prefer. By guiding them to make choices, you allow them to express themselves and understand what they truly want,” says Dr. Benitez.
If they hit or kick a playmate, separate the two, then apologize to and comfort the child who was hurt. “As for your toddler, find out why they hit, then state in a calm yet firm voice that you acknowledge their feelings, but inflicting pain on others is not the answer and has consequences,” recommends Dr. Benitez.
And if they repeatedly throw tantrums? Impose a time-out. “Let them sit or stand in a corner and stay there until you say they’re done. A time-out can help them manage their feelings. It will also remind them to behave better unless they want to sit or stand in a corner again,” the MakatiMed doctor says.
At some point, first-time moms may have an outburst themselves. “It’s only natural to raise your voice or lose your temper. You’re only human,” assures Dr. Benitez. “Cut yourself some slack. Once you’ve calmed down, it’s important to model accountability and apologize to your child for your own behavior. Strive to do better next time, because there will be a next time.”
For more information, please contact MakatiMed On-Call at +632.88888 999, email [email protected], or visit www.makatimed.net.ph. Follow @IamMakatiMed on Facebook and Twitter.
